A quick look at two occurrences in the past week that put the respective teams in my personal crosshairs:
First, New England Patriots coach/de facto GM/mob boss Bill Belichick has outdone himself in signing 4th-string quarterback Tim Tebow. I declare the Patriots not eligible to win the Super Bowl this year based on this signing. Why? Not just because Tebow is a waste of a roster spot, but because this signing is the latest in a series that indicate Belichick thinks he and his organization can handle any football player on its squad and any media attention that player may bring. It started with Randy Moss in 2007. After Moss stunk up the joint as an Oakland Raider, it looked like he was declining rapidly, but hooking up with Tom Brady and the Pats resurrected Moss's career, and New England found itself on the verge of a perfect season in Super Bowl XLII. Moss even caught the game-winning touchdown, except the Pats D then let Eli Manning drive down the field and hit Plaxico Burress for the actual game-winner. But the precedent had been set: Belichick can bring in talent with lots of risk and media attention and bring out the best in them. Since then, such washed-up luminaries as Albert Haynesworth, Chad Johnson, Donte Stallworth, and Deion Branch--as well as these lesser-known flameouts listed in this piece chronicling bad New England free agents in the Belichick Era--have been brought in with borderline disastrous results. The key seems to be this: Moss had a sky-high ceiling to go with all the risk, and pairing him with the pro QB Brady resulted in unlocking that talent. Those others didn't have nearly the potential to be great, and therefore weren't worth the trouble, but Belichick thought it would work out fine anyway because he's Bill Belichick and he'll make it work, Goddammit. And now, the ultimate in lots of distraction and headache and not lots of upside, Jesus himself, Tim Tebow. To say this isn't gonna work is not putting it strong enough. This is a really fucking bad move. I mean, REALLY BAD. Tebow is not good at QB, and his potential at another position is a complete unknown. I still wonder if he'd make a good tailback or H-back, but his insistence that he's a quarterback makes me think that the risk isn't worth it to bring him in and see if he wants to try another position. Belichick has once again fallen for his own hype (and maybe his assistant Josh McDaniels' whispers in his ear, since Josh is the moron coach who drafted Tebow in the 1st round originally) and proclaimed a very risky free agent signing as blessed by his touch. And because his touch has been Midas in reverse, resulting in no championships in a decade, I'm proclaiming the New England Patriots as not a Super Bowl winner. Eliminating one from a group of 32 may not seem like a big deal, but every little piece of information helps.
Second, Chicago Bears QB/asshole Jay Cutler has had to endure a different offensive coordinator almost every year he's been a Bear. From Ron Turner to Mike Martz to Mike Tice, it's been an up-and-down tenure for Cutler in Chi-Town. Now with head coach Lovie Smith's firing and new coach Marc Trestman's hiring, it's another new offense for Cutler to learn. Despite his enthusiasm when the other new coordinators were brought in, he's now decided that everyone should temper their expectations now that he's working with noted QB guru Trestman because, after all, it takes three years to master any new offense. Ok, what?? And adding to the drama is Cutler's contract being due at the end of this season. If I was a skeptical bastard, I'd say Cutler was trying to put the idea into the bloodstream that anything that goes sideways for the Bears this upcoming season is not his fault, since it takes three years to master any system. Oh yeah, I am a skeptical bastard. I proclaim the Bears as not a Super Bowl contender this year, now that the always confident Cutler has already displayed doubt in his team and his system. I'm probably not picking Chicago to make the playoffs. That's too bad because they have an old but skilled defense that could be a big boost in a playoff run. But the star QB and "leader" has declared himself free of criticism for the next 36 months, so what's his motivation to perform at a high level?
