Wed. Nite Opener Cowboys @ Giants

Last year, Jason got "cute" and took Green Bay to win on Opening Night against New Orleans, but the Saints to cover a 4-point spread.  This year, it's my turn.  I'm seeing the G-Men throwing the pill around and building a nice lead on Dallas as they celebrate their Super Bowl win with their home crowd.  But the Cowboys take advantage of the Giants missing CB Prince Amukamara and rally back before coming up 3 points short.  Jason's not wasting time building on his Dallas-to-the-Super-Bowl prediction.  He's picking the 'Boys to win straight up.  He thinks it feels like a 31-20 game.  I admit it would be so Giants to drop a turd in the opener.  But I don't think Dallas has the heart or the spleen (shout out to Jason Witten) to get the job done.  Oh, and watch for the replacement refs to begin their journey to embarrass themselves and the National Football League with terrible officiating.  (I'd like to point out that the regular officiating was sometimes terrible as well.  Just some perspective.)

My Pick:  New York Giants 34-31

The Official IMLD 2012-13 Season Preview!

It's that time, finally!  We've sat motionless through weeks of preseason "action" and injury updates, not to mention Tim Tebow hype, but here we are, on the doorstep of a new NFL season.  It all kicks off tonight, and we have our pick in for that contest.  But you'll have to wait for that nugget.  First, Jason and I present our picks for the upcoming season.  A couple of surprises right off the bat:  Neither of us have the defending champions making the playoffs.  And we both independently arrived at the same pick to win the Super Bowl.  Here's how we got there.

Dre's NFC Playoff Teams
Eagles, Seahawks, Falcons, Packers, Bears (WC), Saints (WC)
Jay's NFC Playoff Teams
Cowboys, 49ers, Saints, Bears, Packers (WC), Eagles (WC)

Whoa, I got San Francisco missing the playoffs entirely, and Jason has the Dallas Cowboys rising in the East?!  WTF???  Here's my rationale for taking Seattle to win the West:  Pete Carroll is mentally challenged.  As such, he's done everything in Seattle in a rah-rah fashion, kinda like a college coach (gee, where'd he get that concept?).  He's got multiple options at almost every position, so that you have to bust your ass and perform or else get replaced.  There are no real stars there.  And that was proven in training camp, when he told the high-priced free agent acquisition, QB Matt Flynn, to sit his ass down so that the short rookie draft pick Russell Wilson can earn the gig.  Who exactly does that?  But I think that just furthers Carroll's agenda of building a team that relies on each other and plays with a sense of independence.  "No one believes in us but the men in this room!"  That usually doesn't work in a professional locker room, but I'm going with a hunch that it will work here.  Jason gave me a little hope with this stat:  Wilson had a higher passer rating last year in college than the top two QB draft picks, Andrew Luck and Robert Griffin.  Also, Seattle has a collegiate atmosphere at their home games that lends itself to Carroll's vision.  Also, San Fran still has horse poop for a QB.  I don't give a damn how tight the Niners defense should be, they can't overcome a crappy QB every time out.  I will give some locker room love to Philadelphia as well and predict that they rally around their coach Andy Reid and put forth a better effort this season.  Regardless of what one may think of his stoic public reaction in the wake of his son's death, the fact is, he made it seem like the team was the one thing most important to his own recovery.  I don't know how far that will take them as the season wears on, but it may give them a boost early.  Of course, all bets are off once QB Michael Vick hurts himself again, but I'm sticking with my pick.  I also like Philly's defensive upgrades.  They are going for the kill on the opposing QB, and that's how your D has to play in today's NFL.  What Jason and I agree on as far as the East goes is, the Giants don't fare well the year after a Super Bowl run.  Someone will be there to pick up the pieces once the G-Men collapse and leave coach Tom Coughlin on the hot seat yet again.  Jay's pick to step up is the Dallas Cowboys.  He is out on a limb on this one, since we both have thought of QB Tony Romo and coach Jason Garrett as shrinking in the moment previously.  But Jason knows how stifling the pressure is on the 'Boys this year, since their goofy owner Jerry Jones has repeatedly stated that it's time for the team to perform.  Jason not only has Dallas claiming the division, he went all the way to the Super Bowl!  Yes, Jason's NFC team for the Super Bowl is the Cowboys.  I can't believe it, either, but he usually succeeds when I doubt his wisdom.  We definitely see the South differently as well, with Jason throwing the Falcons clear out of the playoffs and me elevating them to division champs.  Jason thinks that New Orleans will be highly motivated in the wake of the Bountygate stuff, and it's funny, because I think that their defense was unusually motivated when they were playing for bounties, and now they have been bad for the last year plus since the bounties ended.  I'm frightened to death at how off-kilter the Saints offense has looked recently when coach Sean Payton hasn't been on the sideline, and now he won't be there the whole year?  I don't think they're going to totally suck, but there's a lot of turmoil in that organization, and I am staying away from them being uber-successful this season.  But I still picked them as a Wild Card because they get to beat up on the Carolina and Tampa secondaries, while the Giants get beat up by their division.  I love Atlanta making a big step forward, opening up the offense even more than before, and letting QB Matt Ryan and the Dirty Birds fly high.  Of course, they'll lose their first playoff game, because that's what they do.  The Carolina D has to be better than last year, but we still call them short of a playoff berth.  Chicago is quietly loaded at basically every position, and the nutjob offensive coordinator, Mike Martz, is gone, so we both like them to make the playoffs.  Jason is taking the Bears as division champ because he doesn't think Green Bay can come back with that same offensive pace they blazed last year on their way to 15-1.  I'm staying with the Pack to win the North because their defense can be nastier and tougher if they can stay healthy and consistent, and that would put them back in Super Bowl contention.  What about the Lions?  Um, coach and team are immature, no consistency at all in the running game, China Doll Stafford = White Mike Vick...need we go on?  By the way, I'm being a homer and I can't help myself, so I just gotta spit it out...I think the Bears are so loaded that I will pick them to make a Wild Card run through the NFC and make the trip to the Super Bowl.

Dre's AFC Playoff Teams
Patriots, Broncos, Texans, Ravens, Steelers (WC), Chargers (WC)
Jay's AFC Playoff Teams
Patriots, Chiefs, Texans, Ravens, Steelers (WC), Broncos (WC)

Much less to talk about in the AFC because Jason and I see so much happening at the same time.  First off, let's get this out of the way:  Jason and I thought up our Super Bowl teams independent of each other, and we thought we would surprise each other with our bold pick for a new champ...and it was the same pick.  Jason and I are both putting the big whammy on any Edgar Allan Poe fans.  We have the Baltimore Ravens winning Super Bowl XLVII.  Adjust your bets accordingly.  We saw that light go on over QB Joe Flacco in the AFC title game last year, and we know that old, crusty defense is still performing, and they know that there are only so many chances to win another ring for the spiritual leaders, Ray Lewis and Ed Reed, and we think they are going to put on a performance and outshine the rest of the conference.  We even like the hard schedule they will face because it should toughen them up for the playoffs, where they will probably have to travel to Houston because the Texans may run the table thanks to their lightweight sked.  And yep, Houston's scary as a motherfucker, but they just don't have that big-game experience.  Wiping out Andy Dalton and the Bungles in the playoffs don't count.  And no, we don't have Cincinnati returning, not until they find a different play on offense besides Dalton-to-A.J. Green.  How's this nugget--Cincy last year versus teams that wound up having losing records: 9-0.  Versus teams that wound up having winning records: 0-7.  Bum slayers, yes.  Quality franchise, hell no.  In the East, New England should romp a terrible division.  Jason laughs at the Buffalo hype, and despite adding a couple of destructive DEs, he still thinks they will start hot, like they always do, and fade away.  He says Miami may finish 2nd in the division.  Now, that's a little too much for my taste.  The Dolphins blow.  Not as much as the Jets, who are totally set up to fail by the front-office moves, but they really suck.  Charles is back in charge in Kansas City, as in returning stud RB Jamaal Charles, and Jason will select "defensive genius" coach Romeo Crennel and the Chefs to cook up a title in the West.  I don't hate KC, but I'm always going to be hesitant to pick them until they show an awareness that they have no other weapons in the passing game besides Dwayne Bowe.  They need to use him like a #1 receiver, and they just don't.  Quick, name another Chiefs WR.  I have a well-documented respect, or man-crush, or whatever, for Peyton Manning, so I'll take Denver to repeat as division champs in a completely different manner than last year.  I'll even throw in the observation that Peyton's done throwing big bombs in the air.  From what I saw of him in the preseason, that arm isn't what it used to be, and his age precludes me from thinking that it will ever bounce back.  So I'm not calling on him to be the old Peyton and lead his team to endless Super Bowl crowns, but if he's the visionary professional QB he's always been, that should be good enough combined with an improving defense to win the West.  I'll take San Diego to backdoor their way into the playoffs because I'm hard-pressed to ignore them if the defense steps up and if TE Antonio Gates is finally healthy.  Jason calls the Bolts "the worst best team in the league."  They are frustrating, I can't deny that.  Oakland's depth is a big problem.  Do they have a decent 2nd-stringer at any position?  And in the South, Houston is on top of the world, or as Jay says, using big words in an office meeting all correctly and stuff, "One good team and ballast."  Not more needs to be said there.  I will add that I may like the Texans to make a big step next season (foreshadowing Super Bowl XLVIII already), and that if Andrew Luck plays a professional QB like his predecessor, the Colts may not be quite as bad as people think.

Ready?  Let the games begin!!

IMLD Primer: Know Your Lingo

Over the years, Dre and I have developed many terms and nicknames for all things pro football. Here's some of the best to help you, our three readers, follow along better.

• "Pushy" or "Pushyness" - No, it's not a play on the female reproductive system. When we are confronted with a betting line of 3 or 7, one of us will invariably refer to the point that the game result will most likely fall right on the line number, forcing a "push."
• "Interception Santa" - This is a much more recent addition. Last season, after the Raiders traded for Carson Palmer, I said that he was like Santa Claus handing out interceptions like Xmas presents. The name stuck.
• "Total Fraud" - It's hard to confirm which one of us gave this name to Mark "Total Fraud" Sanchez, because both Dre and I have never had any love for the Jets QB. My personal hate came from repeated reports before the 2009 draft that Sanchez was moving up the draft board for his market-ability versus his playing-ability. Looks like those reports were accurate!
• "The Cover Zero Defense" and "Ice Cream Truck Drivers" - Dre, being a Bears fan, and myself, living most of my life in Chicago, have watched the Bears defense give up massive plays to totally uncovered receivers over the years. Maybe it's the Tampa-2 scheme, or the fact that the Bears sign guys off the practice squad and then match the guy up against Steve Smith in a playoff game, but whatever the reason, the Bears like to employ the "Cover Zero" scheme. As in "Cover Nobody." We just assume that Brian Urlacher is calling out the defense screaming "let him go, LET HIM GO!!!!" as the other teams best receiver streaks downfield. The "Ice Cream Truck Driver" is a reference to the nobodies the Bears find to play said defense. Often the Bears will give up a TD pass and you can't even find a defender on the TV screen when the ball is caught.
• "The Little Wrangler" - Brett Favre's junk. I wont expand on this one.
• "Jesus" - Of course, it's Vince Young. He can do everything. To hear it, he won the college football national title all by himself. He blocked, passed, ran, punted, kicked, tackled, coached. It was Vince against the world, and he won!
• "China Doll" - Dre applied this label to Matthew Stafford, the most brittle man in the league. Let's hope for those of you who drafted Stafford high, based on his impressive 2011 campaign he put up, that Stafford doesn't stand in any strong wind gusts or sneeze too hard. He will break.
• "It Was a Forward Pass" - Word assoctiation with Dre is fun! Any time I say "The Music City Miracle," Dre instinctively snaps back "It Was a Forward Pass!" I won that pick, he lost it, in one of the only times ever Dre had to use white-out (this was before computers) to fix a pick.
• "Bear Whispering" - My uncanny ability to pick to Bears, to cover AND win, games they have no business competing in. They pull this off once a year or so, so choosing the moment is key. Hint: it ususally happens in prime time, or on the west coast, but the Bears need to be heavy underdogs.
• "Squoosh" - Picking a team to destroy another well above and beyond the spread, or a "squoosh." Usually happens when we think a team will win by double digits. Often wrong.
• "Getting Cute" - Never offically a term of ours, but we use it ALL the time. "Getting Cute" refers to when we pick a team to win the game, but NOT cover a small spread (usually less than 3 points). These picks almost never come home, but something just feels oh-so-right when they do. Dre attempts this far more often than I do, by the way.

Tonight the IMLD crew will be compiling our annual preseason predictions, and this year there's a pick to go along with it, as the Giants and Cowboys kick off tomorrow night. Nothing says NFL like Wednesday......wha? Wedenesday? Really? I just hope that NBC doesn't brand this as a "Special Edition of Sunday Night Football."

My Failed Grantland Fantasy Writer Contest Submission

So over at Grantland.com, the Bill Simmons-helmed ESPN.com offshoot, there was a contest where the top ten judged submissions would be chosen to participate in a fantasy league this year, and the winner received a paid writing position with the site.  A friend tipped me off since I don't read Grantland regularly, and I said what the hell.  Now, there's a chance that my submission didn't even get read; I've found out since the contest closed earlier this week that the e-mail address to send submissions in the original post was different from the e-mail address in the official rules.  I feel a little better knowing that chimpanzees apparently govern the site, so I shouldn't feel so bad about not catching on with these mental midgets.  But the instructions for the contest were simple enough:  Name your fantasy Top 5 for this upcoming season, with one, and only one, sleeper, and keep it under 750 words.  I tried to balance the funny with the informative, and this is what I submitted.




2012 Top 5 Fantasy Selections

  

1.       Aaron Rodgers.  Why him?  Because I am sick and tired of my Wisconsinite best friend Jason picking Rodgers and beating my ass all season.  He’s taken Rodgers every year for the past four years.  No joke, I was thrilled to discover that the random draft order at the site we use had chosen me for the #1 overall pick last year, and I was thisclose to taking Rodgers just to screw over Jay.  But I couldn’t pull the trigger, and I went with the safe pick…Adrian Peterson.  I’m still in therapy.   Thank God we don’t play for money or else I may have flung myself out of my window.

2.       Arian Foster.  Why him?  Because there are only so many RBs who are the clear-cut starters for their team, and this dude is the manliest of them all. His offensive line will zone-block the opposing D to death, and he will pick his way through the remains into the end zone.  Houston is set to be one of the top teams in the league, and their formidable defense should keep Houston in front, allowing them to run more and more to keep the clock moving.  Foster should be the recipient of Hungry Man-sized portions of rushing attempts and goal-line plunges.  Eat heartily, and stay thirsty, my friends.

3.       LeSean McCoy.  Why him?  Another clear-cut RB option on a team that (on paper) should provide many late leads for their running game to run out the clock.  McCoy is becoming one of the more fun backs to watch run.  “Shady” has moves like Jagger, if not the skin color, and he’s developed a repertoire of shakes and fakes that make the viewers go “Ooh!  Ahhh!” as if they’re watching a Barnum & Bailey Circus act.  I always like owning Shady.  It’s a great feeling to watch your guy swing through the defense for a 50-yard TD rush, tiptoeing like Astaire and smiling all the way.  Even more satisfying when you’re in the same room with your fantasy opponent and you both get to witness.  Watch your buddy turn shades of red, and enjoy the colorful language to follow.

4.       Calvin Johnson.  Why him?  Because he’s unguardable, which isn’t a word but should be once he takes the field.  “Megatron” is the answer to any question the Detroit Lions have when they need a big play downfield.  It doesn’t matter how many defenders are trying to stick Johnson, he seems to always get up, grab the ball, come down, and complete the catch.  (He did just that two years ago to beat Chicago in the season opener, but the referees didn’t call it that way.  Doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.)  He needs to be taken early in the draft out of respect to his playmaking ability, unmatched among his fellow WRs.

5.       Tom Brady.  Why him?  Now that Peyton Manning has moved on from Indy, Brady reigns as the quarterback most in command of his team’s offense, with Drew Brees a very close second.  He should have won last year’s Super Bowl, but thanks to his best pass-catcher, Rob Gronkowski, being hurt, and his most reliable receiver, Wes Welker, dropping a game-clincher, he didn’t.  And the fact that he should have won despite that atrocious New England defense goes to show how terrific Tom can be.  What will Brady and that offense do this season, motivated by that Super Bowl loss?  It might be legendary, and you don’t want to overlook the arm in charge of the show.

One, and Only One, Sleeper

Joe Flacco.  Why him?  Because I saw something in Flacco in the AFC title game last year.  I saw a light get switched on.  From the 2^nd quarter on, Flacco outplayed Tom Brady.  He was more accurate, he wasn’t afraid to take shots downfield, and, oh yeah, he threw the game-winning TD pass to Lee Evans, who dropped the ball in the end zone.  And I think, despite that performance coming against that aforementioned horrible Pats D, that Flacco will keep that confidence and perform at his highest level.  It’s the reason that Ray Rice is not in my Top 5.  I just don’t think he’s going to be as relied upon this year.  If Flacco does to the rest of the league what he did to New England, he’ll be a Top 10 QB.  Pass it on.

2012 IMLD Hall of Infamy Inductions

Well, it's finally here!  This year's IMLD Hall of Infamy class has been decided.  I will say that it was an honor and a privilege to decide on this year's nominees.  It was not easy at all.  I had a short list of 15 to choose from, and I was a little sad to make the cuts that I made.  But I feel very strongly that the five entities that made the cut were five no-doubt, must-have entries, and I am very proud of my choices.  I held true to the qualifiers laid out last year, which were, the candidates had to have basically no shot of ever darkening the doors of the Pro Football Hall of Fame, and that the candidates had to actually be famous for something.  Because it's hilarious how many men are let into Canton or Cooperstown or Springfield every year who have no fame at all outside of their hometown, but because they once broke up two passes in a 1950s NFL title game, now, in 2012, they are deemed to be worthy of induction.  *Cough*BULLSHIT*Cough*

And now, presenting the IMLD Hall of Infamy, Class of 2012!  In no particular order:

• Scott Norwood - Kicker - Buffalo Bills.  Famous for:  Wide Right.  It's perhaps the most famous missed field goal in history, and Norwood stands as the IMLD mascot because in the first season-long picks contest between Jason and me, a Bills Super Bowl title would have given Jason the win, but with the miss and the subsequent New York Giants win, I was able to secure a tie.  Vive la Norwood!  To this day, some football fans consider a big mistake on or off the field as pulling a Norwood.  Poor guy. 

• Lyle Alzado - Defensive Lineman - Los Angeles Raiders, mostly.  Famous for:  Introducing the concept of steroids to the general public.  Alzado gained notoriety in the late '70s and early '80s by playing football like a maniac with the matching curly frazzled hair and overgrown beard.  Every time he appeared on the television, he looked like a psychotic madman, and that was whether he was playing football or acting or just giving an interview.  He became one of, if not the first, athletes to admit using steroids, and his subsequent quick deterioration and early death at age 43 painted an indelible picture in everyone's minds.  I grew up thinking that if you took steroids, you risked horrible health, all thanks to Alzado.  Apparently, other future NFL players only saw, if you took steroids, you can go from unscouted lunkhead to All-Pro celebrity.  And we see the results of steroids every Sunday, and we can't get enough of it.

• William "The Refrigerator" Perry - Defensive Lineman - Chicago Bears.  Famous for:  Being young, fat, and country on the greatest defense in history.  Let's face it, Fridge wasn't a great football player by any stretch.  He wasn't even all that good.  But he was really big for his time, and he liked to smile and play up his Southern twang when a camera was stuck in his mug.  He was coached by a megalomaniac, Mike Ditka, and Ditka loved any attention his team received because it meant more attention for himself.  So Ditka started putting Perry in the backfield in goal-line situations as a blocker, then as a RB in blowout situations, then in Super Bowl XX during the Bears' 46-10 raping of the New England Patriots.  Yes, the Bears had a Hall of Fame RB at the time in Walter Payton, but Ditka didn't think of letting Payton score a TD.  No, not when you have the Fridge!  Perry was as famous as any of those '85 Bears, but he didn't accomplish much on the field.  He certainly racked up the endorsements and celebrity appearances, though, and for that, he deserves recognition for doing more with less better than just about anyone.

•  Ben Dreith - Referee - Catchphrase Inventor.  Famous for:   "Giving him the business down there."  I can't believe this happened all the way back in 1986, but I'm proud to induct the ref who gave us the technical explanation for a personal foul of "He was giving him the business down there!"  It was the Jets' Marty Lyons pummeling the Bills' Jim Kelly after a play, although Dreith identified Mark Gastineau as the offender.  But everyone who was a football fan remembers this official's call as the highlight of the night and a source of humor for years ever since.  It's so famous that 21 whole years later, a college football ref named Ron Cherry also identified a personal foul as "giving him the business," sending a shout-out to a trail blazer who probably had no idea of the impact he would have.  A side note:  Lyons took down Kelly as he was throwing, then dribbled his head off the turf with several closed fists...um, isn't that, like, an immediate ejection in today's NFL???

•  Brett Favre's Unholy Trinity - Cell Phone, Wristwatch, Crocs - Markers of One Man's Lust.  Famous for:   Showing up on infamous pics sent to a potential extramarital lay.  Favre himself cannot be inducted into this Hall of Fame since he will one day be gleefully inducted into Canton.  But this trio of items let us into the world of The Gunslinger when the cameras are off.  A married Favre, while his wife was hospitalized and fighting cancer, was discovered to have made the lewdest of advances on New York Jets sideline trixie Jenn Sterger when he played with the Jets:  He texted her his intentions to get with her, then he sexted her pictures of his Little Wrangler.  Favre was so crazy with passion, he didn't bother to take any measures to hide his identity should these pics see the light of day, which they did a couple of years ago thanks to the website Deadspin.  Those identifying items were:  His cell phone, whose Mississippi number was displayed unblocked; his wristwatch, which appeared in the sexts, and was identifiable because it was the same watch he specifically was wearing during his first retirement presser; and his infamous Crocs, which are also visible in his sexting pics.  I welcome these items into the Hall of Infamy because they're proof that no matter how much a man can try to play the hero, his real personality will shine through.  I welcome them with a towel and rubber gloves, however, because I ain't trying to touch that shit.

And there you have the 2nd annual IMLD Hall of Infamy inductions.  Thank you all for attending, and Jason will be back with next year's inductions.  Coming up in the next few weeks:  Our preseason predictions and prognostications.  Can Jason repeat his sightseeing and pick the Eagles to miss the playoffs again?  Can I repeat my pick of the Broncos making the playoffs?  Can we ignore the way off-base picks that we had in addition to those good ones?  Come back and find out!