My Failed Grantland Fantasy Writer Contest Submission

So over at Grantland.com, the Bill Simmons-helmed ESPN.com offshoot, there was a contest where the top ten judged submissions would be chosen to participate in a fantasy league this year, and the winner received a paid writing position with the site.  A friend tipped me off since I don't read Grantland regularly, and I said what the hell.  Now, there's a chance that my submission didn't even get read; I've found out since the contest closed earlier this week that the e-mail address to send submissions in the original post was different from the e-mail address in the official rules.  I feel a little better knowing that chimpanzees apparently govern the site, so I shouldn't feel so bad about not catching on with these mental midgets.  But the instructions for the contest were simple enough:  Name your fantasy Top 5 for this upcoming season, with one, and only one, sleeper, and keep it under 750 words.  I tried to balance the funny with the informative, and this is what I submitted.




2012 Top 5 Fantasy Selections

  

1.       Aaron Rodgers.  Why him?  Because I am sick and tired of my Wisconsinite best friend Jason picking Rodgers and beating my ass all season.  He’s taken Rodgers every year for the past four years.  No joke, I was thrilled to discover that the random draft order at the site we use had chosen me for the #1 overall pick last year, and I was thisclose to taking Rodgers just to screw over Jay.  But I couldn’t pull the trigger, and I went with the safe pick…Adrian Peterson.  I’m still in therapy.   Thank God we don’t play for money or else I may have flung myself out of my window.

2.       Arian Foster.  Why him?  Because there are only so many RBs who are the clear-cut starters for their team, and this dude is the manliest of them all. His offensive line will zone-block the opposing D to death, and he will pick his way through the remains into the end zone.  Houston is set to be one of the top teams in the league, and their formidable defense should keep Houston in front, allowing them to run more and more to keep the clock moving.  Foster should be the recipient of Hungry Man-sized portions of rushing attempts and goal-line plunges.  Eat heartily, and stay thirsty, my friends.

3.       LeSean McCoy.  Why him?  Another clear-cut RB option on a team that (on paper) should provide many late leads for their running game to run out the clock.  McCoy is becoming one of the more fun backs to watch run.  “Shady” has moves like Jagger, if not the skin color, and he’s developed a repertoire of shakes and fakes that make the viewers go “Ooh!  Ahhh!” as if they’re watching a Barnum & Bailey Circus act.  I always like owning Shady.  It’s a great feeling to watch your guy swing through the defense for a 50-yard TD rush, tiptoeing like Astaire and smiling all the way.  Even more satisfying when you’re in the same room with your fantasy opponent and you both get to witness.  Watch your buddy turn shades of red, and enjoy the colorful language to follow.

4.       Calvin Johnson.  Why him?  Because he’s unguardable, which isn’t a word but should be once he takes the field.  “Megatron” is the answer to any question the Detroit Lions have when they need a big play downfield.  It doesn’t matter how many defenders are trying to stick Johnson, he seems to always get up, grab the ball, come down, and complete the catch.  (He did just that two years ago to beat Chicago in the season opener, but the referees didn’t call it that way.  Doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.)  He needs to be taken early in the draft out of respect to his playmaking ability, unmatched among his fellow WRs.

5.       Tom Brady.  Why him?  Now that Peyton Manning has moved on from Indy, Brady reigns as the quarterback most in command of his team’s offense, with Drew Brees a very close second.  He should have won last year’s Super Bowl, but thanks to his best pass-catcher, Rob Gronkowski, being hurt, and his most reliable receiver, Wes Welker, dropping a game-clincher, he didn’t.  And the fact that he should have won despite that atrocious New England defense goes to show how terrific Tom can be.  What will Brady and that offense do this season, motivated by that Super Bowl loss?  It might be legendary, and you don’t want to overlook the arm in charge of the show.

One, and Only One, Sleeper

Joe Flacco.  Why him?  Because I saw something in Flacco in the AFC title game last year.  I saw a light get switched on.  From the 2^nd quarter on, Flacco outplayed Tom Brady.  He was more accurate, he wasn’t afraid to take shots downfield, and, oh yeah, he threw the game-winning TD pass to Lee Evans, who dropped the ball in the end zone.  And I think, despite that performance coming against that aforementioned horrible Pats D, that Flacco will keep that confidence and perform at his highest level.  It’s the reason that Ray Rice is not in my Top 5.  I just don’t think he’s going to be as relied upon this year.  If Flacco does to the rest of the league what he did to New England, he’ll be a Top 10 QB.  Pass it on.