2011 Week #5

I have returned from my bachelor party refreshed and renewed and ready to make a comeback from my shitty selections the last few weeks.  I tell ya, when we get a podcast going, it's not gonna be for the weak of heart.  Jason and I touched on a little bit of everything inappropriate while picking this week's games, from Hank Williams Jr. to Al Davis to Hitler as a new Monday Night Football theme to the capper, Gus Frerotte banging his head against a wall in celebration of a touchdown and his eyes bugging out like John McSherry, the baseball ump who dropped dead of a heart attack on the field.  Highly inappropriate.  And funny.  Now, our Week 5 picks, also funny to some of you.

Fav

Spread

Dog

Dre

Jay

NO (3-1)	6½	CAR (1-3)			Car	Car
Phi (1-3)	2½	BUF (3-1)			Phi	Phi
NYG (3-1)	9½	Sea (1-3)			NY	Sea
JACK (1-3)	1	Cin (2-2)			Cin	Cin
IND (0-4)	1	KC (1-3)			KC	Ind
PIT (2-2)	3	Tenn (3-1)			Pit	Tenn
MIN (0-4)	3	Ariz (1-3)			Ariz	Ariz
HOU (3-1)	5½	Oak (2-2)			Oak	Oak
SF (3-1)	2½	TB (3-1)			SF	SF
NE (3-1)	7½	NYJ (2-2)			NY	NE
SD (3-1)	3½	DEN (1-3)			Den	SD
	Sun. Nite
GB (4-0)	5½	ATL (2-2)			Atl	GB
	Mon. Nite
DET (4-0)	5	Chi (2-2)			Chi	Chi

Some of our thoughts and observations included:

• Who can stop Cam Newton?  Obviously, a monsoon can slow him down, but not a defense thus far in his career.  The Bears were supposed to cause him all kinds of problems last week with their fancy Tampa-2, and what happened?  A Panther win in Chicago if the dumbass punter doesn't kick to Devin Hester.  So we'll take Carolina to cover the number hosting New Orleans in what could be a shootout.
• We can't see the Dream Team starting 1-4, so we'll take the Eagles to go to Buffalo and shake off the effects of the bad loss to San Fran.  Jason calls it a "value pick," because the Eagles could easily have beaten the 49ers last week, making them a bigger road fav than they are now.  Take advantage of Philly giving only 2½ and go with the better team.
• The New York Giants could have easily lost as well in Arizona, had they not received a huge bit of, yes, luck in getting Victor Cruz laying the ball down called as "giving himself up."  That's Rule 63, Section 17 of an amendment that Roger Goodell wrote the next day after the play on his iPhone while sitting on the can.  So Jason will take the Seahawks to cover a big number, saying that maybe the Giants aren't that good and maybe Seattle isn't that bad.  I'm not in love with the G-Men, but I do think Seattle is that bad, so I'll give the points.
• It's hard to make a case to pick the Jaguars right now with all the things going against them.  We'll pick Cincinnati for the rare road win.  We have nothing else to add and would like to move along from this game.
• Ooh, this one's worse--KC and Indy.  In the Tidy Bowl® Crap Game of the Week, Jason is picking the Colts because at least they've shown some heart in losing close games this season.  Kansas City hasn't shown much of anything.  But I'll take the Chiefs because they at least showed last week that they remembered who their best player is, and that's WR Dwayne Bowe.  It took QB Matt Cassel half the season to discover Bowe last year, but I'll bet on him to do it much earlier this time.
• Pittsburgh has a lot of things wrong with them, and Tennessee looks like one of the better teams through the first 4 weeks.  Not hard to see why Jason will take the Titans.  I'll take the Steelers for two reasons, looking at my stats, which usually mean I'm fucked.  One, Pitt missing LB James Harrison and DL Casey Hampton from their run defense won't matter because Tennessee and their big-money superstar RB Chris Johnson are running as a team at 2.8 yards per carry, which stinks.  And two, QB Matt Hasselbeck has been throwing the pill around to various unheralded guys with great success, but for all their maladies and rapid aging processes, the Steelers are still the #1 pass defense this year, allowing just 5.7 yards per attempt.  It may be a pass-happy game, what with Pittsburgh struggling to field running backs, but I like Pitt to stop an air show better than Tennessee.
• Picking either Arizona or Minnesota feels "dirty," according to Jason, but we'll hold our noses and go with the Cardinals.  The Vikings just seem completely lost right now.
• Can Oakland gather themselves and win one for Cryptkeeper Al, who died Saturday?  Maybe, but we like them to certainly cover the spread at Houston.  The Texans will have a much harder time blowing anyone out so long as they're missing one of the best WRs in the game, Andre Johnson.  Jason would like everyone to know, BTW, that Al Davis dying is all Darren McFadden's fault.  Al had seen just about enough of his high-flying offense getting grounded by Run-DMc's rushing production, and ol' Al finally just couldn't take any more.
• Despite bad memories of Tampa Bay flying into San Francisco and shutting the Niners out in their own house last year, we'll still take the 49ers this time around.  Alex Smith may be able to exploit what's been a putrid TB defense, and the Bucs are on a short week flying West.
• There's been no ground and pound for the Jets this year.  The offense had been relying on a solid rushing attack to support a shaky passing game, but the rushing has rushed out.  The Jets are 30th in the league running the ball.  Jason thinks they're primed for a pumping at the hands of Tom Brady and the Patriots.  I'll take New York to cover because Jets coach Rex Ryan, in between sucking his wife's corns, always develops a defense that slows down the New England offense at least a little, and because the Pats D can't stop a nosebleed, so maybe the Jets can get their ground game going and open things up for Mark "Total Fraud" Sanchez to make some plays.
• Jason debuted a new term for this pick--the Uncertain Squoosh.  He questioned himself in the middle of picking the Chargers to cream the Broncos.  He rightly pointed to how bad the Broncos have been this year, but sounded very unsure of himself in taking San Diego squoosh.  I'm Ron Burgundy??  I'm staying on the Denver bandwagon for one more week, mostly because the Chargers without TE Antonio Gates are highly susceptible to a loss at any time.
• Brett Favre gave Aaron Rodgers even more motivation, according to Jason.  When Favre said in an interview this week that he thinks Rodgers should have won a Super Bowl with the Packers even sooner than the three years it took him as the full-time starter, Favre pretty much stunned the world with his arrogance and envy.  We shouldn't have been surprised, of course.  But Jason thinks that Rodgers and the Pack will step out on a Sunday night stage and send a message to Favre that they're doing just fine without him, thank you.  My thinking is, what more message can Rodgers send than the one he sent last Sunday when he beat the Broncos like Tina Turner?  I like Atlanta because there's a revenge factor from the playoff game in January and because the Falcons can't play good games against good teams unless it's not the playoffs and because Rodgers isn't going against me in fantasy football, so he won't come close to doing the damage that he did last weekend.
• And on Monday night, the Detroit Lions are in the house!  They're mean!  They're tough!  They're legit!  They are ready to take the Hank-less prime time stage and show the world what they're made of!  The Chicago Bears are in deep trouble because here come those nasty, up-and-coming Lions and...wait, Rick Sutcliffe just chimed in like he's in the booth with Matt Vasgersian on a bender.  "No no no no no..."  Jason will take the Bears to cover because Detroit doesn't deserve to be a 5-point favorite at home on Monday night to the Chicago Bears.  I'll take the Bears to win because Detroit keeps falling behind early trying to establish a running game, and Matt Forte and the Bears seemingly have figured out how to run the ball, hold on to a lead, and keep their QB Jay Cutler from getting slaughtered.