Week 4 ATS Recap: Now With More Hitler and Less Hank

So, I'm watching MNF last night, and Mike Tirico sends it down to the field and we see a pretty weak version of our national anthem, and then it goes to commercial and right to the kickoff. I'm missing something for a moment, something felt out of place. Oh yeah, where was the overproduced, incredibly dated, lame Hank Williams and his rowdy friends (now this year mixed with hip-hop influences)? Turns out I missed the pregame to know that 'ol Hank was making comparisons between the Prez and Hitler. Hey, OK, freedom of speech and all, whatever makes Hank happy. ESPN got wind of these comments and responded by punishing Hank for his lunacy and pulling him and his rowdy friends from the broadcast. Now I'm pretty miffed. If that was all it took to save us all from the horrible open to MNF, why wouldn't Hank have lost his shit in, oh I don't know, 1996? Thanks to Hank, we have to sit through the worst sports open of them all: the Faith Hill Sunday Night Football theme.

In fact, let's jump in the Wayback Machine, to 1991, to watch the fictional opening to "The Last Boy Scout." They were mocking Hank almost immediately (Hanks open first debuted in 1989). And no, folks, thats not an homage, that is mocking. Hell, the movie credits were even interspersed into the theme, just like SNF and MNF would eventually rip off. Life really does imitate art.

• Bears 34, Panthers 29 - Both winners - Dre called Carolina straight up, but it was my greatest ally, the Garbage Time Touchdown, that saved the pick. Cam Newton threw a completely meaningless touchdown with 4 seconds left in the game to cover the number and end what was a remarkably high-scoring, exciting game. The Bears remembered Matt Forte for one week, and Jay Cutler was only sacked once. Amazing how that works!


• Bengals 23, Bills 20 - Dre winner, Jason loser - What is this, the year of the comebacks, or the year of the letdowns? The Bills, flying high after stunning wins over the Raiders and Patriots, laid an egg in Cincy. Of course they did.


• Titans 31, Browns 13 - Jason winner, Dre loser - I didn't get to hear any explanation of Dre's picks this week, and this is one that baffled me. I'll just chalk it up to his excitement over his bachelor party and upcoming nuptials. That's gotta be it. Tennessee is playing some pretty good ball right now.


• Lions 34, Cowboys 30 - Jason winner, Dre loser - The only perk of having a job where I have to work on Sundays is that we have DirecTV. This was the game we chose to watch, that is until the Cowboys went up 27-3. We spent the rest of the afternoon watching the highly enjoyable Bears-Panthers game, with the Steelers-Texans matchup on the local feed. Every so often, the ticker, or a cut-in, would show up what was transpiring in Dallas. Namely, another Tony Romo meltdown, and White Mike Vick and Megatron going all Beast Mode in the 4th quarter. Stunning comeback or monumental collapse? It's more fun when it's both, especially when Dre and I differed on the pick!


• Texans 17, Steelers 10 - Both losers - Live by the hook, die by the hook. Houston, even with all the calls going Pittsburgh's way (not like that's ever happened before) managed to hang on to a lead for dear life. Ironically, Wade Phillips defense held the Steelers in check all day, while his former defense in Dallas couldn't stop Calvin Johnson even with triple coverage.


• Saints 23, Jaguars 10 - Both winners - This pick was a gimme, and the Saints sleepwalked to an easy cover.


• Chiefs 22, Vikings 17 - Both losers - Methinks Christian Ponder Time is coming soon.


• Niners 24, Eagles 23 - Jason winner, Dre loser - If you told me that Mike Vick would stay healthy the whole game and account for almost FIVE HUNDRED YARDS of offense, I'd tell you the Eagles must have won 52-3. As Raheem Morris once eloquently pointed out, stats are indeed for losers. Vick was a force, but the rest of his team fumbled and brainfarted their way through the game, especially in the red zone. It was just enough to let Alex Smith and Frank Gore dominate the 4th quarter and erase a 20 point deficit. It's highly doubtful you'll ever see the words Alex Smith and dominate in the same sentence ever again.


• Redskins 17, Rams 10 - Both losers - It's offical, the Rams are done. Brady Quinn Done.


• Giants 31, Cardinals 27 - Dre winner, Jason loser - I'm sure Dre will expand on the Victor Cruz play, but I submit it as Exhibit A that I am not the only one to get bullshit lucky wins in this contest of picking games.


• Falcons 30, Seahwaks 28 - Both losers - The Falcons came a 61 yard field goal attempt away from being yet another team to meltdown after cruising to a huge lead. Dark things lay ahead for the Falcons in the form of the Packers passing offense. If you let Tavaris Jackson look competent, what will Aaron Rodgers do to you? I shudder at the thought.


• Packers 49, Broncos 23 - Jason winner, Dre loser - In our fantasy league, Dre was left with the #1 pick and had a choice: Adrian Peterson or Aaron Rodgers. Dre resigned himself to taking Peterson, knowing that I would take Rodgers at #3. As fate would have it, Dre and I squared off this week. It wasn't pretty, thanks to Rodgers putting up 50 fantasy points. Thanks, Dre!


• Patriots 31, Raiders 19 - Both losers - If Jason Campbell is throwing for 300+ yards and the Pats are outrushing the Raiders as a team, this is precisely the result we should get.


• Chargers 26, Dolphins 16 - Jason winner, Dre loser - It wasn't pretty and it wasn't decisive, it was simply a cover. The Bolts knocking Chad Henne out of the game to get to Matt Moore didn't hurt either.


• Ravens 34, Jets 17 - Both winners - Joe Flacco completed 32% of his passes, threw a pick six, was sacked twice, lost a fumble, and went 2+ quarters without a completion. Guess what? Flacco was still the best QB on the field in this game! Total Fraud imploded, handing out defensive touchdowns like Halloween candy, and showed yet again why he is never going to lead the Jets to the promised land.


• Buccaneers 24, Colts 17 - Both winners - The Colts might be Brady Quinn Done as well, but at least they are trying. For a second consecutive week, the Colts played about as well as can be expected against a superior foe and took the game to the wire. That being said, I'm just not excited about seeing the Colts three more times this season in prime time.
  

Week 4 is over. I managed to grind out 9 wins, while Dre had other things on his mind and walked away with 6.