Week 7 ATS Recap: Shocks, Cocks, and Jesus!

This weeks slate of games provided some shocking results, a kick to the groin, and a real resurrection of the Denver offense in the final 5 minutes of play. What looked like a pretty awful week of picks turned into a completely mediocre 6-6-1 effort from both Dre and I, but some pretty interesting football took place. A playoff push is starting to come into focus, as some formerly dead teams showed some life, and some strong starters showed some holes. This is why the NFL is so great: every game means something.

• Jets 27, Chargers 21 - Both losers - Philip Rivers seems to be regressing, while Total Fraud does just enough to keep the naysayers at bay. Plaxico Burress provided a shot in the arm (or leg?) to the Jets inept passing game, working his magic for 3 TDs (on 25 yards receiving, making him the Jerome Bettis of receiving.) Doubters of the Jets, including myself, can sit silent for another week, but I don't see championship caliber play coming out of the Meadowlands.


• Browns 6, Seahawks 3 - PUSH


• Falcons 23, Lions 16 - Both winners - Atlanta looks like their former selves, again making me wonder why they NEEDED Julio Jones and not a ton of defensive help? The Lions, after losing a tough game to the Niners, again didn't have the answer to a balanced offensive attack. The Falcons head into a bye with the arrow pointing up, while the Lions head to Denver to face Jesus. Could the Lion-O's be looking a three game losing streak?


• Panthers 33, Redskins 20 - Both winners - All too easy. John Beck did exactly what I thought he would do: try hard in a losing effort. It has to pain Mike Shanahan to watch Cam Newton, in his 7th start, look more competent than any QB on the Skins roster. I'm loving every minute of it.


• Bears 24, Bucs 18 - Jason winner, Dre loser - Mike Shanahan's former QB toy, Jay Cutler, screwed up less than his counterpart, Josh Freeman, as the two QB's combined for 6 picks. The difference maker for the Bears, again, was Matt Forte, who's playing himself into some serious coin. If it will be in Chicago remains to be seen.


• Jesus 18, Dolphins 15 - Both winners - Tim Tebow played about the worst 55 minutes of quarterback I'd ever seen. Then, with time winding down, the skies opened up, the water turned to wine, and Tebow unleashed a dizzying comeback complete with an onside recovery, lots of fist pumping, and some really weak throws. Somehow, those weak throws found their targets, including a lob pass on a screen that seemed like it was in the air for thirty seconds. The legend continues! Aaron Rodgers is on a bye for my fantasy team in week 8, so fuck it, I picked up Tebow! Teeeeeeeeeeeebooooooooooowwwwwwwwww


• Texans 41, Titans 7 - Both losers - Houston delivered a nice cup of Shut the Fuck Up to everyone talking about how wounded they were and how they were gonna get rolled by the Titans. Shutting up now.


• Steelers 32, Cardinals 20 - Both winners - So how's that Kevin Kolb trade working for you guys in the desert?


• Chiefs 28, Raiders 0 - Dre winner, Jason loser - If you add up the QB Rating of all three QBs to see action in this game, you get 77.9. That would barely be adequate for ONE starting quarterback in this league, and will usually result in a loss. The Raiders ran the ball effectively enough, even after the loss of Darren McFadden, but SIX Oakland interceptions, three by Kyle Boller and three more by Carson Palmer left the Raiders in a lurch. The Palmer trade will do one thing: it'll make the price the Falcons paid for Julio Jones look CHEAP!


• Packers 33, Vikings 27 - Both losers - We lost on the number, but I see in the Pack a team that is winning games it would normally lose. Everything went against them in this game: a hot start from the rookie QB, a relentless pass rush, the loud fans. All of that advantage disappears as soon as Aaron Rodgers takes the field. Rodgers is playing with accuracy and confidence that is rarely seen at the position. Even when playing from behind, he seems to have a "We got this" look on his face. The Pack took everything the Vikings had, and walked out 7-0, while the Vikes probably have shot their wad as they head to face Cam Newton and a better-than-thier-record Carolina team. Speaking of wads, whats with the gratuitous nut shot delivered by a Vikes scrub? Pretty weak stuff, there.


• Cowboys 34, Rams 7 - Both losers - Nothing cures your passing game's ills like a guy nobody has heard of running for 253 yards. Thats TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY THREE. From DeMarco Murray. I just had to click onto another page to get the spelling of his name right. I was going to call him DeMiko Murray. The Rams are toast. How bad can you be to let THAT GUY go for 253? He might not have 253 yards rushing the rest of the season! I dare anyone to look at the Rams schedule right now and find me a win. Try it.


• Saints 62, Colts 7 - Both winners - Here's an amazing figure: the Colts lost by 55 points, yet only attempted 22 passes for the entire game. It's like they're not even trying anymore.


• Jaguars 12, Ravens 7 - Both losers - How I knew this pick was fucked: Dre was playing my wife in fantasy football. No really! Dre was losing by only 20 points going into the Monday Night Jags/Ravens matchup. He had two guys left to go: Ray Lewis and Joe Flaccid, I mean Flacco. Now see, Dre has never beaten my wife in three years of us all being in the same league. All he needed was 20 combined points from Flacco and Ray Ray. My wife won by 6. That's all you need to know about how Flacco and the Ravens fared in this game.

Seven weeks down, and I manage to stay one game above .500 for the season. Some miracles never cease.