2010 Week 1: What I Learned

• The Minnesota Vikings are in deep doo-doo.  Receivers Sidney Rice and Percy Harvin are injury liabilities, and Bernard Berrian can't get on the same page with the sainted Brett Favre.  And tailback Adrian Peterson may have lost a step.  Any success for the Vikings this season is predicated on duplicating the top-notch season that the offense produced last season.  If that can't happen, Purple Pride can Pack it in and concede the division to Green Bay now.  Pack it in.  See what I did there?
• Tim Tebow: 2 carries, 2 yards.  Yep, sounds about right.  Seriously, Josh McDaniel is a world-class dumbass for drafting this guy in the 1st round.  Who drafts a quarterback in the 1st round that CAN'T PLAY QUARTERBACK?!?
• Tennessee may piece together drives with with a stud (Chris Johnson) at RB and ten-yard out patterns thrown by Vince Young against the hapless Raiders, but the reason they can't ever go anywhere is because the moment they run into a team that can handle the rush, they have no other alternatives.  The best way to loosen up a defense designed to stop the run is to threaten to throw over the top, but the Titans have no deep threats to speak of.  They hoped that Kenny Britt could develop into one, but he appears to be too immature to do so.
• Over-under on the first tweet from Chad Johnson or Terrell Owens bitching about QB Carson Palmer:  3 weeks.  As for the Patriots, Tom Brady simply must have his car hit by stupid lunkheads with multiple traffic offenses every week before each game.
• My easy win every week picking against the Cleveland Browns because they are starting Jake Delhomme at QB might come to an end after one game.  Delhomme may not start Week 2 (ankle).  The Browns' backup QB?  Seneca Wallace.  Um, did they get their players in an expansion draft of other teams' castoffs?
• Speaking of deep doo-doo, the Indianapolis Colts had to have flashbacks of a couple of seasons ago when everyone opened up a can of whoop-ass and ran the ball down their throats.  I specifically remember a game against Jacksonville when Maurice Jones-Drew and Fred Taylor took turns ripping off 20-yard runs at will.  Texans RB Arian Foster was relentless on Sunday, going off for 231 yards on 33 carries and 3 TDs.  The common thread in Sunday's game and two years go from the Colts' perspective?  Missing SS Bob Sanders, who was injured most of that season, most of this game, and most of his career, which may be over with this latest injury, a possible torn biceps.  Sanders seemed to always be there to support his defenders when a big run was developing, and when he misses time, that whole run defense has always suffered.  If they can't figure out a way to replace his production, the Colts are in serious trouble.  And Foster can't be trusted to be real because he won't play the Colts every week.
• I understand that by the letter of the rule, Calvin Johnson technically did not catch that ball in the end zone that would have given the Detroit Lions a late lead over the Chicago Bears.  Fine.  Change the fucking rule.  The man caught the ball, put both feet down in the end zone, put his ass down in the end zone, never juggled the ball during this time, and only let the ball slip out of his hand after he rolled over and started to stand up to celebrate the catch.  I'm genuinely confused as to why the same actions would have been a touchdown if Johnson had swiped the ball through the plane of the end zone on his way out of bounds.  The Lions were totally robbed, and the Bears totally won a game that they didn't deserve to win.
• The Steelers may not have their big-armed QB Ben Roethlisberger, may not have his backup Byron Leftwich, may not have their big play WR threat from last year, Santonio Holmes...but they still have that defense that will knock the snot out of you, from the quick linemen to the most talented core of linebackers in the league to the secondary led by the Million Dollar Hair, Troy Polamalu.  And that D allowed Pittsburgh to pull out a big run by Rashard Mendenhall and a big win in OT.  One game down minus Big Ben, three to go.
• The Buffalo Bills are going to have a long, long season.
• So will the Carolina Panthers, if they're going to let average WRs like Hakeem Nicks take down 3 TD catches every game.
• The Packers shouldn't miss a beat with Brandon Jackson at RB, replacing Ryan Grant, whose season ended on Sunday with torn ankle ligaments.  The way Green Bay's offense flows, the running back functions as a blocker and occasional pass catcher anyway.  On defense, I was aware of LB Clay Matthews being moved this year from the right side to the left, and I wondered if doing that to someone who had such an impactful rookie year would stunt his play.  Nope, there he was in the middle of many failed Eagles drives, breaking up passes and disrupting the offense.  He may be a natural at this game, which would make sense considering his dad was a longtime NFL player as well.  As for the Philadelphia Eagles, it's not going to be easy for coach Andy Reid to put his pet project Kevin Kolb back at QB for the next game after he struggled mightily Sunday before getting knocked out with a concussion.  Michael Vick, rising from the grave like one of his doggie zombies, came on to relieve Kolb and looked like a video game, at a faster speed than his opponents, looking like the man that in 2006 ran for more yards than any QB in history.  Problem is, Vick won no rings with all those yards, and I don't think Kolb will, either.  Reid has a full-fledged QB controversy on his hands after one game of the season.  Good luck with that.
• 55 pass attempts for Sam Bradford in his rookie debut?  The St. Louis Rams have no idea what they're doing.  I didn't think they had to start Bradford at all to begin the season, but considering how much money they're paying him, I'm sure they felt like they had to.  But with that decision, you'd think they would ease him into the NFL and let their veteran RB Steven Jackson carry the load.  No, not interested.  The Rams wanted to see what they had right out of the gate.  The result:  253 yards, a TD, and three picks.  And a 4.6 yard per pass attempt average.  For those wondering:  That blows.
• That rah rah, sis-boom-bah shit that Pete Carroll was employing in his return to the NFL coaching the Seattle Seahawks Sunday will work for only so long.  But that was a great spot for it--in his home debut against the consensus pre-season division champ pick San Francisco, where he can tell his guys that no one believes in them and it's them against the world.  It didn't hurt that his opponent has a psycho for a head coach (Mike Singletary, who thanked the Hawks after the game for beating him) and isn't very good offensively.  The 49ers should still win the NFC West, but they're doing absolutely nothing in the playoffs with Alex Smith at QB and no receivers other than Michael Crabtree.
• And speaking of head coaches with no chance of winning the Super Bowl, I give you Wade Phillips and the Dallas Cowboys.  Simply put, no team dumb enough to run a swing pass to the RB with no time on the clock in the 1st half and the ball back at their own 33 yard line can put together 3 or 4 wins in playoff time.  (In case you missed the play, it resulted in a fumble and TD for the Washington Redskins, but I don't know what Phillips or the offensive coordinator Jason Garrett thought was going to happen when they called the damn play.)  And Roy Williams was the one man wrecking crew for his own team, dropping passes left and right.  Get him off the field.  Jason says that Skins QB Donovan McNabb looks done, and I have a hard time arguing that.  But the fact is, he suffered through some crappy WR corps in Philly before they started drafting receivers with talent such as Jeremy Maclin and DeSean Jackson, and then they deal McNabb to another crappy receiving corps.  I don't know what he's supposed to do with Santana Moss and Anthony Armstrong as his pass catchers, along with TE Chris Cooley.  I dare say none of the top QBs in the league could do much with those bums.
• The Jets have no heart, and no QB.  I'd rather marvel at the Baltimore Ravens.  This is a team built on defense, but the D has some old guys trying to get it done, so I always think that they're on the verge of no longer being effective and falling apart.  But so long as LB Ray Lewis can still put on the uniform, he's going to lead his team into battle and give it all he's got, and the team seems to go as he goes.  His penchant for making bone-rattling, momentum-shifting hits consistently Monday against the J-E-T-S was pretty awesome to watch.  In some ways, I feel like I've never watched a player quite like Ray Lewis, and maybe I never will again.  Oh, and did Joe Flacco and the Ravens' passing game provide a template for beating the vaunted Jets' D?  Short passes underneath, and long bombs when they show blitz?  Will it really be that easy?
• And yet another coach with his head firmly up Mr. Rectum.  Norv Turner will lead the San Diego Chargers directly into another disappointing postseason and nowhere else.  Book it.