Opening Weekend ATS Recap: The Hangover

After dual 12-4's to start the 2010 season, Dre and I both knew that 2011 was bound to get off to a rocky start. After losing on Opening Night on Thursday and a wretched performance in the early games on Sunday, I expected a 3 or 4 win (or 5 - sorry Dre) week to be the result of my batshit insane picking. Something funny happened on the way to those 3 or 4 (or 5) wins, my late picks, and who cares if they were by luck - they were wins (HELLOOO!!!), started coming home.

• Packers 42, Saints 34 - Dre winner, Jason loser - Just to prove how slim the margin can between winning and losing, this game is the best example. The Saints, outplayed and playing from behind the whole game, had only a yard to go with time expired to trim the Packer lead to 2, and send the game to OT with a conversion. Mark Ingram was stuffed (rather the Saints putrid short yardage blocking) a foot from the end zone, and Dre sweated out a season opening win. The Packers played their typical game: get up big early, and then cruise control the rest of the game while allowing their opponent too many chances to get back into the game. The Saints battled hard, but they need to work on their short yardage execution if they expect to get deep into the playoffs. Good news for the Saints: they're still in first place in the NFC South.



• Eagles 31, Rams 13 - Dre winner, Jason loser - Well, Micheal Vick didn't get hurt - yet. Not that the Eagles O-line didn't try to get him hurt! Vick was hit 11 times in the contest, and at that rate, he won't last long. For while he's upright, Philly fans will enjoy their Tecmo Bowl offense. The Rams sustained too many injuries, and never really recovered from the loss of Steven Jackson.



• Bills 41, Chiefs 7 - Both losers - Nothing like calling the trap and then falling face first into it. In a week of crazy blowouts, this one was the biggest, and I gotta say: to me it was the most shocking. I'm interested to see how both these teams go forward from here.



• Bears 30, Falcons 12 - Both losers - The Falcons showed me something all right: they can't tackle for shit. On paper, both teams moved the ball well, but turnovers killed the Falcons, including a play where Matt Ryan channeled his inner Micheal Vick and literally laid the ball on the turf for the Bears to pick up. My gut tells me that this is the ultimate Week One Overreaction Game. I don't think Atlanta is THAT bad, and I don't think Chicago is THAT good. Good news for the Falcons: they're still in first place in the NFC South.



• Lions 27, Bucs 20 - Both losers - So much for Tampa exacting a little revenge for that silly loss to Detroit last year. With Stafford healthy, the Lions look dangerous. So basically, he's the white Mike Vick. Good news for the Bucs: they're still in first place in the NFC South.



• Jaguars 16, Titans 14 - Both losers - It's week one, and who gives a shit about either one of these teams? We pick all the games, all I can say.



• Bengals 27, Browns 17 - Jason winner, Dre loser - Finally, a head-to-head win. Somebody on the Browns must have been watching old Bears game film, as the Brownies decided to bring out the old Cover-Zero defense and put NOBODY on A.J. Green. Green could have scored with two broken legs he was so wide open, and the Bungles never looked back.



• Ravens 35, Steelers 7 - Jason winner, Dre loser - Looking at the Week 1 schedule, this was the one game, if given an ultimatum, that I HAD to see. I had a suspicion that the Ravens would be game for the AFC Champs, and boy were they. The Steelers, with their newfound crazy addiction to their passing game, were harrassed and frustrated for 60 minutes, resulting in seven turnovers. Not ones to let off the gas, the Ravens knew they had the Steelers on the ropes and just kept pummeling. The biggest "oh shit they didn't" moment came when the Ravens had just scored off ANOTHER Pittsburgh turnover to go up 27-7. On the extra point, the blockers opened up a hole so big that the holder on the play could have crawled in. It was unmerciful piling on, and maybe the Ravens awoke a sleeping giant, but it looked more like euthanasia to me.



• Texans 34, Colts 7 - Dre winner, Jason loser - Well, if you're gonna lose, lose BIG. Not the Colts, I meant me. I was hoping the Colts would drink their Miller Lite and "Man Up" for this game, but I guess they chose That Other Light Beer. Those commercials are ridiculously retarded by the way: how is drinking LIGHT FUCKING BEER manly? Now where's my Heineken Light?



• Redskins 28, Giants 14 - Both losers - Enjoy your season of Good Rex/Bad Rex Washington.



• Chargers 24, Vikings 17 - Both losers - The millisecond Percy Harvin lurched forward with the opening kickoff, you knew he was going to score, right? The Chargers held Donovan McNabb to 39 (THIRTY-NINE) passing yards and Adrian Peterson to under 100 yards and still didn't cover the number. In fact, they needed to mount a second half comeback. Way to sum up this one: I sent Dre a text mocking those Chargers special teams, his one word response....."Disgusting."



• Cardinals 28, Panthers 21 - Jason winner, Dre loser - I gleefully gave those 6½ points, even commenting that I LOVED the hook on that game. Sure, it's better to be lucky than good. Rays of hope for Panther fans literally shot out of Cam Newton's ass. Maybe we were wrong about that whole Vince Young/Tebow as God/Jesus thing, or is Newton maybe Moses or something? Let's wait and see. Good news for the Panthers also: they're still in first place in the NFC South.



• Niners 33, Seahawks 17 - Both winners - I don't want to dwell on this game too much, but in a week of some rancid special teams play, none was worse than the one minute stretch the Seahawks cover team lived through. They gave up a kickoff return and a punt return to Ted Ginn, Jr. in that stretch, and delivered Dre and myself a cheap ATS win. Thanks, guys!



• Jets 27, Cowboys 24 - Jason winner, Dre loser - Hopefully, Mark Sanchez is sending Tono Romo some lovely parting gifts after Romo became the first QB to cough up a 14 point lead in the 4th quarter in Cowboy HISTORY. Romo fell apart like only Tony Romo (and maybe Brett Favre) could, and overshadowed some really putrid 4th quarter quarterbacking from Sanchez, who overthrew quick hitches and proved that he can't deliver out routes with the worst of them. My opinion of both teams remains unchanged, the Cowboys will be more competitive this year (could they be LESS?) and the Jets won't ever win a title with Mark Sanchez at the helm.



• Patriots 38, Dolphins 24 - Both winners - Tom Brady threw for 478 more yards than Donovan McNabb, and Ron Jaworski dropped a "shit" on the air one play before Brady hit Wes Welker on a 99 yard touchdown strike. I felt bad for Jaws, who sheepishly apologized later in the game for his slip of the tongue. But damn, Jaws, if you're gonna swear, pick a better moment to do it. And a better game. Shit, man.



• Raiders 23, Broncos 20 - Jason winner, Dre loser - In between all the flags and the fights, which I lost count of, the Raiders continued thier divisional dominance, pounding the Broncos with a punishing running attack like I'd hoped they would. The Raiders really discovered something late last season, namely that Darren McFadden is a beast and riding on his back is a good formula for success. If the Raiders can clean up some of the extra-cirricular crap (is there a bigger IF in sports?), then they may have a chance to be a decent sleeper this year.

Week one is in the books, I managed to survive with a 7-9 while Dre played the part of the Pittsburgh Steelers this week and parlayed his Super Bowl loss into a hangover of a start at 5-11. Week two is always the great equalizer with ATS picks, as we apply what we "learned" from week one to week 2, which notoriously always blows up in our faces.

My wife wanted me to mention her in the post this week, so hi wife! Love you.