Alright, time for my long-awaited...well, maybe not...blog post comparing each team in the NFL to an old-school pro wrestler! Why, you ask? Because I can! And because I'm a wrestling nerd, and once this concept came to me, I really worked at it and had a lot of fun coming up with these comparisons. I'm sure those of you who admit that you watch pro wrestling can come up with rasslers who maybe fit a certain team even better than my comparison. (For example, how many old heel bullies compare with the Oakland Raiders? Maybe 50??) But I basically went with the first wrestler that popped into my brain, with the exception of a couple of teams. I also should mention that a couple of teams have newer, current "superstars" as their comparable, because it's just such a perfect fit in my eyes, but otherwise, these are all old-school wrestlers from the 1980s and '90s and '00s.
So here's how I'm gonna do this: I'm comparing each team's current season to a wrestler's entire career span, not necessarily the whole franchise, although most teams are having the type of season that weaves nicely into their franchise history. I'll list the teams in order of their upcoming game in Week 14, then I'll pick which team should win based on which wrestling act would be booked to win a match and go over at the height of their careers. Sound fun? No? Well, I'm doing it anyway. Let's go!
Browns @ Steelers:
Cleveland, as usual, is scuffling along, looking up at their division rivals Baltimore, Pittsburgh, and Cincinnati. This is how it usually goes for the Browns. They're always second-fiddle, always overshadowed, always looked at as second-rate, especially when they are compared to the Ravens, who play the big brother to the Browns since the Ravens are what the Browns used to be. Cleveland has no offensive firepower, no spark, no sizzle, and they're just weaklings. You look at them and just take pity. The Cleveland Browns are...Kendall Windham.
Pittsburgh continues to be mighty and strong, building up steam as the season wears on. They can be controversial, such as when LB James Harrison is posing on a magazine cover with guns and calling Roger Goodell very choice names. They can be loud. They can be hated by some, especially the face of the team, Ben Rapelisberger. But dammit, they're good at what they do, real good, all-world good, and they're sorta likeable once you get past the bravado and appreciate how well they do their jobs. They will have something to say about who holds the title, as well they should. The Pittsburgh Steelers are...C.M. Punk.
Who Would Go Over? Obviously, C.M. Punk.
Colts @ Ravens:
Indianapolis is going through some major, major shit. Having lost their leader, Peyton Manning, before the start of the season, the Colts have never recovered from the shock. You can't get any weaker than the Colts this year. They have lost every single time they've stepped on the field, and not just lost, but looked like they didn't belong in the damn building. They have come to symbolize futility and having no chance to compete. They stand out from everyone else because they look so much worse than everyone else. The Indianapolis Colts are...Randy & Bill Mulkey.
Baltimore has been enigmatic, to say the least, dominating very good teams at home while choking against lesser competition on the road. They're without question one of the better teams in the league, but how can they be trusted to realize their full potential? They can look like the best in the world one night, and not so impressive the next. One thing's for sure--they're still much higher on the totem pole than their little brothers, the imitation Cleveland Browns. The Baltimore Ravens are...Barry Windham.
Who Would Go Over? Obviously, Barry Windham. Even in a handicap match. This is lopsided thus far.
Falcons @ Panthers:
Atlanta looks the part. They absolutely look gorgeous walking into the arena. Matty Ice, Roddy White, Julio Jones, John Abraham...those athletes look like they are ready for the big show when they get off the bus. Then the game starts--and sometimes, it don't look so good. Sometimes, it's as ugly as it gets. It's difficult to envision them performing as well as they look. They may shock the world and put it all together, but can they really be The Total Package until that day? The Atlanta Falcons are...Lex Luger.
Carolina has racked up a horrible record, but they cannot be totally dismissed on any given Sunday because of the raw talent that is Cam Newton. He hasn't covered up all of his team's shortcomings, but his effort every week is awe-inspiring. It's raw, it's powerful, it's not exactly delicate. The Panthers can be brutal and destructive if they ever get it together. They're not title-worthy at all, but it's still fun to watch them kick ass. The Carolina Panthers are...Konga the Barbarian.
Who Would Go Over? Luger, but ol' Barbarian would give the Package a hell of a fight.
Texans @ Bengals:
Houston has survived multiple QB slayings to stay alive in the AFC South. Those QB losses will eventually cause their demise, but they don't know it yet. The Texans marched off to a stellar early-season start, looking like they were destined to be on top of the marquee before Matt Schaub was lost for the year. The rest of the unit looks solid, but it's the key part lost in a bad accident that will ultimately be their downfall. The Houston Texans are...Magnum T.A.
Cincinnati also started the season hot, but they've cooled off big-time and appear destined to miss the playoffs entirely. The Bengals have worked hard to overcome past failings and build a very good team, but the competition has proven to be tough lately. They were rough around the edges, but there was always that potential to be stars. Unfortunately, it looks like they won't reach that potential. The Cincinnati Bengals are...Big Bubba Rogers, a.k.a. The Big Bossman.
Who Would Go Over? Magnum, although he'd probably have to find a way to do it other than using his trademark belly-to-belly suplex.
Vikings @ Lions:
Minnesota has some guts and some true talent. There's no denying that Adrian Peterson and Jared Allen are two of the best at their position, maybe of all time. But the other shortcomings on the team hold them down and do not allow them to shine on the brightest stage. They find themselves bruising their bodies and forging strong careers while coming up short in the title hunt. Regardless of all of their past success, this season as well as career-wise, most eyes will look at them and see a weakness here, an imperfection there. History may not remember them as the greats they truly were. The Minnesota Vikings are...Harley Race.
Detroit is trying to forge a new identity as the big bad bullies who will engage in battle at a moment's notice. Unfortunately for them, they don't have a fucking clue on how to play the role. The coach, the star DT, the other defensive linemen--they're all acting the fool and behaving badly, and it comes off as them trying to act the part instead of being legit tough guys. The Lions strike me as trying too hard to be the bad guy. They will say and do anything to make people dislike them, and it takes away from how talented they really are. They're going to come up short this year in the hunt for a championship, but they're going to yap and talk smack all the way down the drain. The Detroit Lions are..."The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase.
Who Would Go Over? Tough to say, but at his peak, Race was a 7-time NWA World champ and legit tough guy, so I'll go with Race.
Buccaneers @ Jaguars:
Tampa Bay came into the season hyped as a playoff contender coming off a 10-6 season. But they had a glaring weakness that was being largely ignored--a really bad defense. That weakness was not addressed adequately in the offseason, and when the promising offense led by QB Josh Freeman faltered, there was nowhere for the Bucs to go but down. Tampa was the underdog that people wanted to root for. But then CB Aqib Talib was accused of shooting at someone this summer, and TE Kellen Winslow continued his pattern of underachieving, and Freeman and WR Mike Williams lost their way. They turned into a not-so-likeable team that few people wanted to see despite their talent. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are...Sean Waltman, a.k.a. The 1-2-3 Kid, Syxx, and X-Pac.
Jacksonville is a hot mess. They cut their longtime starting QB, David Garrard, and replaced him with a much poorer choice, Luke McCown, in order to clear space for their 1st-round draft pick, Blaine Gabbert, to eventually take over. But Gabbert has been a train wreck, leading Jacksonville to the worst passing offense in the NFL by the numbers. The team as a whole was unwanted, sold midseason by the owner, and the head coach was canned. The franchise doesn't have a warm home in Jacksonville. Sure, the temperature's warm, but the fan base is ice cold. And the team is no good despite the stud RB Maurice Jones-Drew. They're the league laughingstock. When they appear on television, people look at each other quizzically and ask, "Why is this shit on my TV?" The Jacksonville Jaguars are...Disco Inferno.
Who Would Go Over? X-Pac may suck, as the chants went, but he was a million times better than Disco.
Eagles @ Dolphins:
Philadelphia is a sad case of expectations gone awry. The talent is undeniable, but they never put it together under coach Andy Reid, save for that one awesome game off the bye against Dallas. As the losses mounted, so did the pressure, until the whole thing burst and the Eagles found themselves losing in Seattle and at home versus Arizona and to other inferior teams. They will forever be known for what could have been if they hadn't been mentally unstable and were able to keep it together when it started to fall apart. The Philadelphia Eagles are..."The Loose Cannon" Brian Pillman.
Miami is running the opposite of Philly, building a nice 2nd half after a killer 0-7 start. There's the belief that it's all for naught as it pertains to their head coach, Tony Sparano, but nonetheless, the Fish are frying anyone who comes close to them. They can be dangerous to any playoff contender who plays them the rest of the way. Miami started as losers, and everyone shook their heads and wrote them off. But they're efforting as hard as any team, and they're determined to put together something after the horrible beginnings. They want to display their talents, and they don't care who takes them seriously, they're going to try their damndest to impress. The Miami Dolphins are..."Diamond" Dallas Page.
Who Would Go Over? Page was booked to somehow defy the odds and beat the more talented guy, and this would be the perfect scenario.
Chiefs @ Jets:
Kansas City had a bright future when this season began. They were coming off a division title, and bringing back one of the most dynamic RBs in the game, Jamaal Charles. Then the rash of injuries began, and eventually the injury bug got Charles and the starting QB Matt Cassel. The season was lost. Charles led a rushing attack that looked to hurt people who got in their way. The Chiefs had everything lined up in their favor, if only they could get out of their own way. To look at them bludgeon people was a sight to behold, but their coach, Todd Haley, can be weird and not too bright. He's got one of the best WRs in the game, Dwayne Bowe, but he doesn't use him nearly as often as he should. Ultimately, the Chiefs are pretty to watch, but not the sharpest pencil in the box. The Kansas City Chiefs are..."Psycho" Sid Vicious.
The New York Jets are the self-hating braggarts. They do something well, they yell about it. They don't do something right, they yell about it. The coach doesn't know whether to scream that his QB is one of the best ever or to scream that he's thinking of benching that QB for Mark Brunell. Whatever they're thinking, the Jets let you and everyone else know. This year is not different than any other under coach Rex Ryan and QB Mark Sanchez. The Jets have some good games against weaker teams and struggle against teams of some substance, and they're going to be right on the edge of making the playoffs again despite bragging as if they're members of a great franchise. Gang Green only know one speed--full speed ahead. They're not going to win a championship, but they sure stomp around and yell as if they are. They can be entertaining, but mostly they just get on your damn nerves after a while. The New York Jets are..."Hacksaw" Jim Duggan.
Who Would Go Over? Really tough call, but Sid's monster push crushed basically everyone.
Saints @ Titans:
New Orleans is the sleek, fast car everyone oohs and aahs at when they see it go fast on the street. QB Drew Brees is putting together a season for the ages, as well as a career as one of the best of his era. Many would love to proclaim him league MVP if not for that Rodgers guy in Wisconsin. The Saints strike fast, move in perfect sync, and operate with precision. They may be difficult to appreciate sometimes because their quarterback, who's about six feet tall, doesn't look like all of the other greats at his position. But make no mistake, when he's done, he will be recognized for all of his accomplishments. The New Orleans Saints are...The Great Muta.
Tennessee has strung together some good wins to place themselves in the playoff hunt. Their star RB, Chris Johnson, appeared to have gone into sleep mode when he received a huge contract in the offseason. His game didn't show up with his body when he came to play at the start of the season, but he and his offensive line have marauded through their last couple of opponents. The Titans believe they can keep executing their game plan and beat other teams by grinding out victories in a workaholic, physical, un-flashy manner. It's not the way to a World title, but it's their way to performing at their best and getting the most out of their talent. They earn no rings, but a lot of respect. The Tennessee Titans are..."The Enforcer" Arn Anderson.
Who Would Go Over? Well, here in America, it was Arn who ended Muta's win streak, but in Japan and historically, Muta is the bigger superstar.
Patriots @ Redskins:
New England ain't winning the Super Bowl. We all know at least that much. All of their recent teams since the enchanted 16-0 season have gone the same way: The offense gets started somewhat slowly, the defense doesn't get started at all, the offense gets it in gear in the 2nd half and gets everyone's hearts aflutter at the thought of what they can do in the playoffs, then the playoffs get here, the defense lets everyone into the end zone, somebody finds a way to hit Tom Brady in the mouth and slow down the offense, and New England gets bounced. Won't be any different this year, mainly because that defense is all-time awful. The Patriots can come out looking like supermodels, married to supermodels, whatever. The fact is, all those pretty looks won't matter when they run into real competition. Their past may have a championship pedigree, but that's way in the rear view mirror. The New England Patriots are..."The Model" Rick Martel.
Washington had no expectations when the season began, and their little hot start to the season was sorta impressive. But their idiot coaching staff wanted to tinker when things went sour, and the John Beck Experience happened, to the dismay of every Redskins fan. They fooled some people, but Washington and the Shanahan Boyz revealed themselves to be frauds and just as much of an eyesore as the experts figured they'd be. The season had a strong beginning, but this finish is just pathetic and garish, and they look to be a complete joke of a franchise. The Washington Redskins are..."Adorable" Adrian Adonis.
Who Would Go Over? Martel. Adonis was a total punchline at the end.
49ers @ Cardinals:
San Francisco needed an attitude adjustment to tap into their potential. So out went Mike Singletary--Coach Psycho--and in came Jim Harbaugh--Coach Insane. The difference between Psycho and Insane is that Insane actually has some coaching talent, and all Psycho had to offer was whatever motivation is provided by pulling down your pants. The current NFC West champions now have to prepare to work their ball-control offense and punishing defense in the playoffs a month from now. San Fran shouldn't compete for a title, but they're fun to watch when they pound their opponents with no regard for how pretty it looks. Aesthetics are for those who care about such things, but the 49ers only care about beating folks up and having fun while doing it. The San Francisco 49ers are...The Junk Yard Dog.
Arizona hasn't figured out the magic from that one Super Bowl season under coach Ken Whisenhunt. Their latest solution was to trade for QB Kevin Kolb, but he's proven to be only slightly better than mediocre, and that's not good enough. The one other piece in place relies on a better-than-average QB in order to fully realize his talents, and that's WR Larry Fitzgerald. As average and non-descript as any franchise in the NFL, the Cards promise to meander on as a franchise that has no idea what it takes to be special. The Arizona Cardinals are...Terry Taylor, a.k.a. The Red Rooster.
Who Would Go Over? JYD, in a fun Saturday Night's Main Event squash.
Bears @ Broncos:
Chicago is writing a tragic story, forging a strong middle of the season as a squad that had figured out how to get the most out of its franchise QB Jay Cutler as well as maximizing its much improved RB Matt Forte. Now both are hurt, maybe for the rest of the year, and an always stout defense finds itself shouldering all of the load. The offense has shown itself to be non-existent without its two most productive stars. Cutler can't seem to stop getting hurt, and the fans don't want to give him any slack, voicing concerns over his various aches and pains. It's getting a little tiresome watching such tremendous talent constantly selling yet another injury. Someday, maybe he'll just get out there and perform without the tape and the crutches and the medical attention. But not soon. The Chicago Bears are...Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat.
Denver started their season underperforming and losing games, and the decision was made to switch QBs and install Tim Tebow as the starter. The public was clamoring for this move, and it seemed that the adulation of the Bronco fan base was making personnel moves happen. But something strange happened--the Broncos started winning! Coach John Fox sent Tebow out in his second start with a game plan fit for a real QB, and he floundered against Detroit. And since then, the game plan has been tailored and cut to fit Tebow's "skills" just right. And now, he can't lose, so long as he trains, says his prayers, eats his vitamins, and thanks his Lord and Savior each and every time a fucking camera is nearby. This is an obvious one, ladies and gentlemen--Denver keeps winning and finding success and fanfare despite the obvious lack of ability of the main attraction. Makes you shake your head and wonder how. The Denver Broncos are...Hulk Hogan.
Who Would Go Over? You think Hogan would ever let little Ricky Steamboat go over him?
Raiders @ Packers:
Oakland continues to rack up the penalty yardage as they make their way through an up-and-down season. Through new coaches, new player personnel, new starting QBs, one thing never changes in Oakland: They are determined to play stupid, undisciplined football and cost the team yardage and maybe wins. Even as the new focus of the team shifts from Al Davis's vision of airing it out to a tremendous rushing offense, the penalties keep flowing. The Raiders can't help themselves. They want to be evil. They want to play the bad guy role because they don't know any other way to exist. They only compete for titles as a sidebar. But the Silver & Black seem to want to have as its primary goal the ability to hold up their rep as the wild and crazy roughhousing bunch of the league, the place where outlaws go to ply their trade. They could never be the white hats, always black. The Oakland Raiders are..."The Prince of Darkness" Kevin Sullivan.
Green Bay simply can't lose. Say what you want, love them, hate them, but they never lose. Wish as hard as you can for their demise, but they just don't lose. And their fan base is so annoying, you wish they all would fall off the side of the planet. But the team would be okay, because, at least this season, they absolutely cannot lose under any circumstances. Sound familiar? The Green Bay Packers are...John Cena.
Who Would Go Over? Um, duh. Cena cannot lose.
Bills @ Chargers:
Buffalo gave their fans a little hope early in the season in knocking off the Patriots, but they've fallen to Earth since then. A once proud franchise has resorted to staging home games in Toronto in an attempt to cultivate a bigger fan base, but it's not going to help if they give middling QBs big contracts as if they can't find something better than Ryan Fitzpatrick out there somewhere. And finding a gem of a running back like Fred Jackson (who's out for the year) won't help if they don't do anything about that atrocious run defense. They've been getting gashed for years now, but they haven't improved. And with their T.O. wannabe at WR, Stevie Johnson, they have an act who's already worn thin before he could even become a national star. Stevie wants to be cutting edge and unpredictable and a showman, but he's a third-rate knockoff of all the others before him. He makes the Bills seem like desperate attention whores whose talent isn't anywhere near the heights of their grasp for stardom. The Buffalo Bills are...The New Age Outlaws, a.k.a. The Voodoo Kin Mafia.
San Diego has gone as their star QB has gone, and this year, Philip Rivers hasn't gone. He's already got more interceptions than any of his previous seasons, and it seems most of the Chargers' games could have been won if Rivers had played up to par. He's going to get his coach, Norv Turner, fired, and once again, he's going to lead a San Diego team nowhere when they were thought to be one of the title contenders before the year started. They're very talented, they're very skilled, but for some reason, they're going to come up short again and fail to meet expectations, and it sucks because they could be the best if they could just get their shit together. The San Diego Chargers are..."Mr. Perfect" Curt Hennig.
Who Would Go Over? Um, can I call a draw? Perfect certainly would beat these clowns during his run as AWA World champ, but he'd do the job during the Outlaws' DX heyday.
Giants @ Cowboys:
The New York Giants are perennial NFC title contenders, and anyone who doubts them has to only see the Super Bowl rings on their fingers from five years ago to know what they're capable of. But they always seem to be missing a little something to put them over the top. Their coach, Tom Coughlin, was ripe for a firing right before the G-Men beat New England to win it all, so it can be argued that he's overstayed his welcome. They've switched roles this season on the field; normally, the fearsome pass rush leads the way, but they've been less than stellar due to injuries, while the offense has taken the Giants to most of their wins. And not the rushing game, either, but Eli Manning and the passing game. No matter what Eli does this season, he's going to be compared to the bigger stars of his era, notably his brother Peyton, and the pundits will speak of how he didn't quite measure up. But he's still going to perform to the best of his abilities, the hell with what others may say about him. And he's got the championship to speak for his legacy. The New York Giants are..."Nature Boy" Ric Flair.
Dallas gets hyped every season as a contender, but that seems to be more a function of the high-profile owner, Jerry Jones, than anything else. They have a consistent pass rush, but the coverage is not always the best. And we know how inconsistent the passing game is behind the lightning rod, Tony Romo. He's been good once again this year, and they found a gem in rookie RB DeMarco Murray. But the 7-5 record feels like it could be better. There have been key injuries on both sides of the ball, but you think Jones accepts those excuses? With the fantasy numbers the offense is putting up, perhaps we should just keep watching the Cowboys and enjoy them for what they are, which is a high-flying, exciting, colorful franchise that's hard to take seriously. The Dallas Cowboys are...Sting.
Who Would Go Over? Another even matchup. Flair went over early in Sting's career while elevating Sting, and eventually, Sting went over Flair to become the New Franchise in WCW. On any given day, one could beat the other, and it would be totally believable.
Rams @ Seahawks:
St. Louis had lofty goals when the season started of winning a very winnable NFC West division and going beyond. The franchise QB, Sam Bradford, was coming off a decent rookie campaign, and they were one game away from winning the division last year. The pass rush was going to lead the defense, and the veteran RB Steven Jackson would anchor the offense. But injuries and a regression by Bradford leveled the Rams' season very early. They haven't just gotten beat, they've been slaughtered. Another team that looked pretty from afar, but couldn't perform on the field. But this team was thought to be an actual contender. They are so bad that it's laughable to look back now and think that anyone ever saw a potential champion in them. The St. Louis Rams are...Paul Roma.
Seattle took that division title from St. Louis last year, but despite winning a playoff game in one of the biggest upsets in NFL history, no one expected anything from the Seahawks this season. The franchise QB, Matt Hasselbeck, was falling apart last year, so a change had to be made, but the choice to go with Tarvaris Jackson was very curious. After all, he didn't exactly engender confidence during his starting stint in Minnesota. They tried to bring a talented WR from Minny to go with Tarvaris, but Sidney Rice wound up missing most of the season with injuries and is now on IR. They've had "Beast Mode" RB Marshawn Lynch to rip off some big runs, but otherwise, it's been a dismal season in Seattle. I compare them to an obscure tag team who won gold despite all of their shortcomings and were led by an annoying little turd of a manager, because Seattle's led by the asshole from USC, Pete Carroll, and they did not deserve to be a defending division champion. The Seattle Seahawks are...Bad Company.
Who Would Go Over? In a clash of jobbers, at least Bad Company had "Diamond" Dallas Page and Medusa Miceli in their corner.
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