Week 5 ATS Recap: Damage Control

Every year, we have those weeks. The weeks where favorites barely don't cover spreads, upsets don't come through, and the reads on certain teams just weren't accurate. Sometimes we just have "weeks like that." The key is, don't let those be 2 or 3 win weeks, like I've stacked up the last few seasons. Even this week, I'll take a 5-9, and I know for damn certain that Dre will take his 8-6 (hell of a season he's having, by the way).

Changing topics, this week I was informed by Dre that our late night Saturday picks were wearing him out, what with the 2 hours it takes us to focus to get the picks in, and then the time it takes him to post the picks. Totally understandable. We are pretty consistent with our 8:30 Central start times, because fuck it, we do it live. So I offered to call him earlier, say 7pm. That won't work, he says, because he hasn't had time to get all the research in for his picks. In fact, he hadn't even finished picking the prime time matchups for Week 5 when I called at 8:30. We lost both those picks.

• Rams (+2½) 17, Cardinals 3 - Both winners - Thank God for Thursday night. We gifted ourselves a win in the TNF contest, both of us on the thinking that the Cardinals were nowhere near as talented nor as deserving of the hype they were having heaped upon them. The Rams didn't look like world beaters, but when Kevin Kolb is overthrowing everyone in sight, you don't need to.
• Falcons (-3) 24, Redskins 17 - Both winners - Looks like the Falcons enployed the Mike Vick Defense against RG3. As in, bust him the fucking head until he can't come back in the game anymore and voila! you win! The Falcons should know how to play that defense since they saw it enough during the Vick years in Atlanta.
• Steelers 16, Eagles (+3½) 14 - Both winners - Much will be made of Mike Vick losing two more fumbles, but the Steelers pretty much dominated the stat sheet (and thanks to Vick won the turnover battle). I'll just say thanks for the cheap cover and move on.
• Colts (+7) 30, Packers 27 - Jason winner, Dre loser - It would figure that this would be one of the head to heads I won against Dre this week, since my whole rationale for the pick was "um, yeah!" Dre was only upset that I didn't go Howard Dean on him.
• Giants (-9½) 41, Browns 27 - Dre winner, Jason loser - The Browns actually played this game much tighter than the final indicated, initally jumping out to a 17-7 lead. In the end, the Browns had no answer for the Giants running attack (over 200 yards) or Brandon Weeden not knowing how many forward passes you can attempt on the same play (hint: it's not 2).
• Dolphins (+3½) 17, Bengals 13 - Dre winner, Jason loser  - Oh, how you've forsaken me Bengal Bumslayer Rule. How can we continue to live in a world where the Bengals don't feast upon teams with losing records. For 4 weeks, this was a mortal lock. Now, chaos.
• Ravens 9, Chiefs (+6½) 6 - Both losers - Seriously? Only THESE Ravens could phone a game like this in. You could have a paraplegic play this game in Madden 100 times as the Ravens and get a cover every time. But THESE Ravens show up in phone-it-in mode and can't even score a touchdown. Not one measley TD? In other news, Chiefs fans cheered when Matt Cassell got hurt, and wow, that's just cold. His backup is Brady Quinn. This reminds me of Bears fans being happy that Jay Cutler got hurt so they could see more Caleb Hanie. Careful what you wish for.
• Seahawks (+2½) 16, Panthers 12 - Dre winner, Jason loser - This is starting to get ugly for Cam Newton. I don't know what it is about these quarterbacks that are tremendously gifted athletes coming to the pros, but they don't handle adversity very well at all. Why does Newtons situation now remind me oh so much of Vince Youngs career trajectory. In college, both those guys were just better and faster than everyone else, so the game was just easy, they never had to face any real pressure. Both won national championships as well on the strength of their gifts. One flamed out, and the other, if he's not careful, could be in the same company a few years down the road. You're the team leader. Lead it.
• Bears (-5½) 41, Jaguars 3 - Jason winner, Dre loser - Now for a few picks from the Batshit Insane Department. Part One: Dre had the Jags to WIN this game.
• Vikings (-5½) 30, Titans 7 - Dre winner, Jason loser - Batshit Insane: Part Two. I had the Titans to hang with the Vikes. Wow, the Titans are a steaming pile right now.
• Patriots (-6½) 31, Broncos 21 - Both losers - Do the Broncos plan on ever getting a lead against good teams? It's hard to win when you're only hope is a mad dash comeback attempt from Peyton Manning. I mean it's fun to watch, but the Broncos appear to be heavily mediocre. They may have a little Bumslayer in them.
• Niners (-10) 45, Bills 3 - Dre winner, Jason loser - Batshit Insane: Part Three. What was I thinking? My only solace here is knowing that Dre is slowly being driven to madness (more madness) every time the Niners offense lights up some fools. The Niners gained 621 yards on offense. That's obscene, even given the awfulness of the Bills defense. The Bills gave up less to New England in their 52 point outburst. How sad for the Bills, though? 97 points against in TWO WEEKS? There's 12 teams that haven't given up that many points all season. And I picked them.
• Saints (-3½) 31, Chargers 24 - Both losers - This was the Show-Me pick of the week. In my pick, I stated I wouldn't be shocked to see a Saint win here. I mean, they weren't going 0-16 with that offense, but I was picking against them til they showed me something.
• Texans 23, Jets (+9) 17 - Both losers - Yeah, the Jets covered, but the superior team prevailed in the end. Despite all the trickeration and Razzle Dazzle on special teams, including a 100 yard KO return for a touchdown, the Jets just didn't have the muscle to compete with Houston. Total Fraud completed less than 50% of his throws, the Jet defense was gashed repeatedly by Arian Foster, and the Tim Tebow wildcat isn't even the best wildcat currently in the NFL (that would be the Colin Kaepernick version of it in San Fran). Sadly, the Texans 5-0 start will be overshadowed by the nuclear implosion going on at Jet camp. This is seriously going to be the most overhyped and overcovered 7-9 team EVER.